Max walks like a horse. His feet are stumpy, clomping against the wood floor. His bones are thick, his muscles, stiff. He loves me with his weight. We sleep on the couch, bodies sinking into one another, his belly as big as my apartment.
Max purrs. He is content. He rubs his face against the back of my head, biting my curls. One day I will buy a goldfish just to spite him. He will watch it, dip his paw in, but never go further than that.
Max is the oldest of three. He’s tried to have a romantic relationship with our male cat Hunter, but he remains a loaner. When the other two play, he sleeps in boxes and baskets. When he’s angry, he meows like a moaning woman, but his face takes the shape of the beast in Beauty and the Beast. (I love Disney movies).
Princess Bunny Buttons, the kitten, bites her tongue often. She heaves when hot. I’ll offer her water and she’ll dip her head in, but take none of it. Her long whiskers and eyebrows get in the way.
When I get home from work, she’ll circle around her own body and meow until I pet her. She hisses at the dog and demands constant attention.
This was an example of a conversation we once had (yes she talks):
"What is wrong?" I said.
"The gladiolus is poisonous," she said.
"Oh. I am sorry," I said, "I’ll throw it away right now."
"Thank you," she said, "My allergies have been acting up this winter."
And then I told her about my allergies and we compared how horrible they made us feel.
Hunter is the rascal of the bunch. He eats trash out of our bedroom trashcan at 5 am to let me know he’s hungry. The sound of plastic being chewed is so aggravating. But he’s the only cat that cuddles me if I force it upon him.
Hunter is a player. He makes love to Princess Bunny Buttons AND Max. He licks their bodies at least an hour a day. I guess you’d call that bisexuality. If there was one cat I would have to get rid of, it would be him. But, I love him so much so that would never happen.
As you can tell, I am a cat lover. I have three cats. One day they will die and I will die with them. A Jewish cemetery won’t bury me because I have a tattoo, but Max, Hunter, and Princess Bunny Buttons’ tombstones have already been designed by Jewish tombstone designer Moshe Moshe Abramovitz. Yes, I designed their tombstones before mine. God forbid anything happened to me, at least I wouldn’t leave them hanging. Anyways, enough of me. I need to feed my cats before I eat dinner (the Bible says feed your pets before you feed yourself).