"A miracle is a shift in perspective from fear to love."
"The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself."
i’m afraid of being loved
i have this worry that as soon as it happens
it will vanish
and then what?
how do you find it again?
my father turned 68 yesterday
told me he was 32 years away from being 100 or dying
and i thought he seemed funny in that moment
until i realized he didn’t ever want to be 100
but he walks daily
he eats his breakfast
even though he doesn’t eat much
and he tries to stay relaxed
he says he retired,
but really his shaking hands
prevent him from working
he told an old friend in Arizona
he settled down in a nice flashy retirement home
but it’s subsidized housing
and i worry no one checks in
i’m a defender of men
my first name says so
and yet every time i try
i feel a weakness
because i’m defensive
factor in my middle and last names
and you get defender of men, hair, and rice
seems like all the ingredients necessary
to make a fulfilling life
or just a really messy dinner
i wish i could be as strong as my name says
i want to seem as powerful
as Joan of Arc
i want to defend mankind, not just a few men
i want to feel the force below me and surrounding me
know that i can take over
know that i can be stronger
know that i can conquer myself
my defensive self
my utterly confusing self
My mother doesn’t want her face known
In any of the family pictures.
She says she is ugly.
She doesn’t want people to see.
This idea comes from within
And so her outer self seems
It’s like when you think your hair looks bad
And you try to fix it
When it looks the same as every day.
Or when you feel
As though your thoughts will never
Be expressed quite the right way
So you hide.
The first time I felt ugly
Was looking at myself
After I had wronged someone.
I wonder if my mother feels that way every day.
I wonder if we will ever feel beautiful
For who we are outside our mistakes.
When you said the birthday present I gave you
Hooked you back in
I realized how much a hook looks like a
But that good questions are the root of
What makes a relationship stronger
And the avoided questions turn
Us to a grey area
And causes more questions
To hook less
I want a marriage simple
Where dinner days, dog walks, and travel
Fill the days
Where we are comfortable
Knowing that we are enough
There was no compass to the map
No roads to choose from
Just one way up
It felt barren
More ways to feel human
More ways to make mistakes
Make my mind swim.
Make me feel outside myself.
Make me tired.
Make me dream of strange things.
Tables in oceans.
Heads flying off bodies.
Floating above it all.
Finding easier ways to feel.
Sometimes it’s too hard to know
What I’m feeling
That the easiest thing to do is to
Imagine us on another moon
Somewhere where there’s water
I want to live where there’s life
I woke up feeling bloated,
My stomach swelling from
The emotional upset of realizing
I’m not ready for what I want to be ready for
I thought of the night I was up for hours
From all those vegan corn cakes
And the jokes we made
About blasting off
I love how I could laugh with you
Even in immense pain
You’re the only one I can do that with
This morning I realized I care less about myself
When you’re not around
And that feels like a disservice
To you and me
I ate a passion fruit today
Shared the juice
Made myself taste the sour seeds
Pulled apart its dry yellow skin,
Reveling in possibility